Last Christmas we were in for quite the surprise learning of a little miracle set to arrive in August. Although, I guess I shouldn’t have been so shocked, given my intuition (somewhat) screaming at me.
If you’re not careful – if you continue to be lazy about tracking your cycle – you could end up getting pregnant, I remember thinking.
It wasn’t like it would’ve been a bad thing. I mean, especially with 35 quickly approaching and my toddler hitting 2. I also continued to get the the question from others, “When’s the next one coming?” In which I’d happily reply, “I’ve got like 5 manuscripts in the works! Can’t wait for my next book!” Because I just didn’t know if I was ready yet to raise 2 kids alongside trying to get my writing career going.
Still, my intuition whispered.
Just as reality set in with this surprise pregnancy and I began to feel excited rather than scared, I continued to receive guidance that perhaps it wasn’t the perfect time. As I stood watching my daughter happily play at the park, I very clearly remember thinking, You’ve told a lot of people about this baby pretty early, but it’s okay. If you have a miscarriage, you can spread a message of hope for others.
When I indeed miscarried just a few days later, I had every intention to find some way to turn my horrible experience into some form of light down a dark tunnel of hopelessness. After writing my first blog post, I’d become increasingly aware of how common miscarriages are, on top of infertility. Also, that many people choose not to speak about their own experiences, all too heartbreaking to bring up.
While I didn’t hold back sharing my experiences with friends, I did find it somewhat scary writing about it and sharing on my blog.
Despite this loss though, I remained hopeful.
I’d always known in my heart I’d someday have two daughters, just like I knew I’d move someplace warm some day after growing up a New England girl. Like I knew before the age of 10 that I’d be a writer. Like I’d always known I’d marry my very first true love. Perhaps I lived a fairytale in my mind, but sometimes you cannot ignore the whispers of your heart and the guidance of your intuition.
When we decided to speak with a medium a month or so later, several months after the sudden passing of my father-in-law, a part of me wondered if she’d pick up on our other loss. I knew my husband was incredibly skeptical about it all. Having experienced so many signs from loved ones around us myself, through other mediums as well as messages I’d somewhat unknowingly received on my own, I really had no choice but to believe in it – yet I knew there was always more to learn.
Toward the end of the reading, I repeated in my mind very clearly, “Mention the miscarriage, mention the miscarriage.” No sooner after the thought crossed my mind she said, “So there are two kids?”
While I did open up about my intuitive feelings and the intuitive guidance I’d received regarding my miscarriage, what she said both caught me off guard and confirmed what I’d already known; that she did indeed feel like it was a boy I’d had with me for a short time, but also that my father in law was “paving the way for the next one,” as she said it.
“He’s going to know the soul of the child over there before it’s born…I honestly feel like within a year… He has the soul of the child and he’s going to send it when it’s the right time and he wants you to know he will be a part of it and he’s not really missing anything.”
There were so many other validating messages, and this one I kept in the back of my mind. It wasn’t until a humorous and embarrassing conversation with my husband and our tax accountant a few months later that I became somewhat open to the idea that perhaps this soul did want to come this year…
But when Aunt Flo arrived just in time for my 35th birthday, I pushed the idea out of my mind.
Perhaps it really isn’t the right time yet, I thought.
I needed a little more time to get my writing done. And so I celebrated being another year older with good friends and some delicious San Diego craft beer.
What I’d discovered with my daughter years before was that tracking your cycle is very important whether you do or do not want to get pregnant – especially when you decide not to use traditional forms of birth control like the pill. So I continued to track with OPK tests, somewhat puzzled that the tests continued to come out positive weeks after they were supposed to. Eventually, I googled if others had experienced the same thing, and many people answered that they’d actually tested positive for pregnancy.
There’s no way, I thought. So I forgot about it. Until a few nights or so later after an evening with my daughter and mother-in-law, enjoying a delicious coconut beer… I decided that maybe I should take a test. I was really thinking that I didn’t want to waste a perfectly good pregnancy test, but thought, what the heck.
Sure enough, I almost S*$T myself when the second line appeared, clear as day.
Then I freaked out. HOW could it be, after having a period? I’d experienced implantation bleeding with both my previous pregnancies before, but it was always very light and for a short time….and all that I’d googled said that really bad implantation bleeding was NOT a good sign. I also frantically googled the consequences of using tampons while pregnant, and the beer weighed heavy on my mind too. After all, calculations said I was exactly at 6 weeks…the exact same week I’d had my miscarriage months before. In complete and utter shock, I texted with my mother-in-law and and my friends until my husband finally called me back.
And then, no less than half an hour after freaking out, I began to experience some trouble. I couldn’t help but remember what I’d experienced a few months previous and while it felt oddly familiar, I tried so hard to push the experience out of my mind. I realized that I hadn’t had ANY issue when I hadn’t known I was pregnant the past couple of weeks, so why right now through all this stress? Was this trouble triggered by my current sudden stress?
I did what I could to push all of the fears out of my mind….Lying down to sleep, I reminded myself of a very important line from one of my favorite teachers, Dr. Wayne Dyer. “How may I serve?” I asked, remembering with my whole being that I was merely a vessel for this soul to enter the world, and to trust in its timing. That we are who we are because, literally, the stars align for us to arrive on the perfect day at the perfect time.
The next day I went to see my doctor… and was surprised to see a little blob on the ultrasound. Being exactly at 6 weeks, I also heard the heartbeat. The bleeding had subsided and so too had the worries…I can’t say the worries stayed away, especially after my blood test confirmed that my HCG levels were getting higher, but not exactly doubling as they should. My progesterone was also on the low side like it had been before, which can sometimes trigger a miscarriage. The Dr. prescribed progesterone for me, and I continued to have blood tests to monitor hormone levels. Again, two weeks later, I saw another blob with a heartbeat, and a month after that, a little squirming thing.
What I’d learned this time was that the blood test was tremendously helpful, not just for me, but for others in detecting low progesterone levels, as well as a thyroid out of whack. It occurred to me also that perhaps a soul is ready to come through, but sometimes, for whatever reason, our bodies are not ready, so the baby can live a healthy life in congruence for its own soul growth, if you will.
I don’t remember the exact details, but I recall coming across a woman’s post somewhere online about how she remembered “choosing her mom,” watching her with love and adoration before she was “born,” and even though her mom experienced several miscarriages before this woman came to earth, she knew the timing and everything would be eventually be right. Wayne Dyer’s book “Memories of Heaven: Children’s Astounding Recollections of the Time They Came to Earth” had many similar stories which never failed to blow my mind.
What I’ve also learned is that everyone’s journey is different. Sometimes, getting pregnant isn’t easy. Sometimes, devastating things happen along the way. Sometimes, things don’t always go the way we hoped, for life events in general.
But what I know for sure is that we cannot lose hope.
No matter how broken we feel, we must hold on to any shred of hope we can. Because while life can be heartbreaking, there are also miracles.
Last Christmas we were expecting a miracle. Turned out, the miracle was meant for this Christmas. Whatever the exact day and time is, I’m not exactly sure yet, but I know now in my heart, whenever she comes, it will be the perfect time.